First Blog I've Ever Done: Highs and Lows

(Deep breath.....) Ok.....
I can't believe that I'm actually doing this. I never thought in a million years that I would ever have a "blog". I never read anyone's blog, nor did I understand why people had them in the first place. But recently I have had a lot go on in my life. My brain is full of questions, opinions, personal philosophies, and personal outlooks on life and the situations life throws at us. Therefore, in an effort to clear some brain space, (and keep my sanity) I have finally broken down and decided "blog it out." I don't know if anyone will read this, or if anyone even gives a damn what I'm thinking. Frankly, I don't care! But if for whatever reason people do read these postings, I hope that I may strike a cord with someone. Perhaps there are people that have the same questions, struggles and internal debates with themselves. Maybe I can find some clarity by getting all my thoughts out "on paper" and even get some feedback. I have found that a lot of times it's easier to get the hard questions and thoughts out in writing than it is to ask or tell someone in person. That being said, if I offend anyone, or piss anyone off, then whatever I said was as real and true to myself as I could have said it. I plan not to censor anything; thoughts, opinions, outlooks, language. This is going to be my brain in writing... Enjoy


A little background.....

My life over the past few months has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. I have had some of the most amazing things happen in my life during the past few months, making me feel on the top of the world! And then, with in what seemed like seconds, what was so amazing and fulfilling took a proverbial shit on me. I was at an all time HIGH, everything was going great, or so I thought, and then suddenly with out warning, (okay, there was warning, but I sure as hell was ignoring the signs...denialll) Life reached up, grabbed me by the short hairs and slung me down in the depths of emotional ruin! Then, Life saw me trudging out of the mud, dusting myself off, and just to make sure I really felt it, gave me a final blow that hurt worst then the first, bringing me down deeper! Thanks Life, love ya man!

My all time high!
For the longest time, just about as long as I can remember, I have wanted a real girlfriend. I mean, yeah, in high school and even in college I had little "flings". Girls I liked and what not. But nothing of any substance. Nothing that I really felt was mutual. Either I liked them more than they liked me (which was usually the case) or they liked me WAY more then I liked them and I was attracted to them because they liked me. I think we've all been there.
But FINALLY, this time was different. After being in Las Vegas for over 6 months, and trying the whole club scene, (you know, picking up girls and all that bullshit) someone finally came in my life that I didn't have to pursue uphill.
We met by chance. I befriended a young guy that came into Prepaid in Vegas. I befriended him because he had a TON of energy, and was ripping it up in the business. This kid recruited like 9 people his first week. And to top it off, the first two people that he brought to the training were these two smoking hot girls, (which would turn out to be his girlfriend of 5 sum years, and my future girlfriend, now ex). I saw that he and his girlfriend made an awesome team in the business. And it has always been a dream of mine to have a girlfriend, and eventually a wife who shared the same passion in the business that I have. And here I saw a young couple that had that. So, I asked his girlfriend if she had a sister or friend. (One thing I know is that birds of a feather flock together.... In other words: hot, motivated girls know and hang out with other hot, motivated girls). She later told me that she had the "perfect girl" for me. We went on a double date a few days later, and low and behold it was the same girl from the training.
Our first date was awesome! Typical first date vibe. We went to dinner and bowling. Everything was great! We really hit it off and things weren't awkward like I have experienced on first dates in the past. There was no awkward silences, rather great conversation. There was obvious mental and physical attraction between us. We then went to my friends’ house for us to watch a movie. Call me a softy, but I love to cuddle. I mean LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE to cuddle. We snuggled up to watch the movie and it was great, I felt so comfortable.
To make a long story short, we spent the next two weeks together ALL the time. It was like we couldn't get enough of each other. We hadn't "officially" been a couple, but it sure felt like it. We admittedly had been referring to each other as, "my girlfriend" or she would call me "her boyfriend" to others. So after a few weeks of "unofficially seeing each other" we made it official on October 31. I WAS SO HAPPY! I mean here I was, 21, and had never had a girlfriend who felt the same level of attraction and affection that I had, and FINALLLY, finally I had that. She was sooooo beautiful. I mean to say "hot" would cheapen how amazing she looked. And what was the best part was that she truly was an AMAZING person. She had goals, aspirations, intelligent, determination, vision, drive, incredible personality, sense of humor, was down right adorable, sexy, and affectionate. I mean really, I couldn't have asked for more. I can honestly say, that nothing about her bothered me. Nothing. I almost felt inferior to her. She held a very high standard for herself.
She was Mormon, which before college would have been an issue for me, but now it was exciting. I wanted to know more about it. I mean, something must be right with a faith that makes a person so utterly perfect. She had never, smoked a cigarette or weed, drank alcohol, had sex, she never said bad words. She made me want to be a better person. I stopped smoking COLD TURKEY. After our second date, she told me that she wouldn't date me if I smoked. After that moment, I didn't have a single cigarette the entire time we together. I didn’t want to, not even once. I cleaned up my language, I stopped drinking (not like I was a drunk or anything, but even at restaurants when I would usually order wine or a beer, I would get water). I really felt like I would do anything to "match up" to the standard that she held herself to. I even went to church with her at the Mormon Ward and met with the Missionaries so that I could better understand the religion. In the back of my mind, I was ready to accept the faith and look into it further, if that meant that I could be with her and have a better understanding of her.
I was so happy. Everyday was exciting. I loved being with her, and when I was, nothing else was more important. When I was away from her, I was thinking about her all the time, and couldn’t wait until I could be with her again.
(Now just a side note... At this point, I knew NOTHING about how women operate. I didn't know that you can be around someone too often, nor did I know that expressing how you feel could actually be a bad thing... I know better now. Trial and error I guess. )
Any way.... Christmas came, and we went to Utah to visit her family. A little fast, I know, but I made it clear that this was not a "Meet the Parents" gathering. Rather just casually meeting the parents. I mean, she meet mine, I talked to hers over the phone before. It seemed only right to at least meet them. So I hopped a plane from Vegas to Utah the day after Christmas. The entire trip was great. She has an amazing family, and it seemed that they liked me. I know her oldest brother liked me a lot because we had some really good conversations and what not.
So, I'm thinking things couldn't get any better. Amazing girlfriend, with an amazing family. We had a great, fun filled trip in Utah, etc. Our conversations on the way home to Vegas was great, and that night when we got home I stayed at her place and everything was so perfect. As I held her in my arms that night, I started thinking that I could really spend the rest of my life with her... I mean I wasn't planning a proposal or anything, but I was content.

The first blow...
Well, right when I thought things were going well, when she woke up that morning she said something to me that turned my entire world upside down. She said that we were getting "too close" and that she was "too attracted to me". I couldn't believe it! I was at such a loss for words that I got up without saying anything, got dressed and went to work. The rest of the day was the most tormenting thing that I have ever been thru.
I started dissecting our relationship. I was looking for where things went wrong. What did I say that I shouldn’t have, what did I do that I should have done differently? What did we do too much of, what did we not do enough off? Did I say too much? Did I say too little? The one argument that we had... Did I over react? And as I looked back, I realized how jaded I had become. There were signs of things going south EVERYWHERE!!! But being the love bitten nieve guy that I was, I didn’t see any of it; rather I ignored all of it.

Looking back I realized that we spent WAY too much time together, and when she said that she needed space, I resisted it. I tried not to hang out with her so much, but I still was with her a lot. It didn't allow any time for us to truly miss each other.
I also let myself be way to vulnerable. I left all my emotions and feelings out. In my mind, our relationship was at one level, when in reality, it was no where near that.
All in all, there were a ton of things that I learned from that experience. Relationships that I have in the future will be entirely different because of what I learned.
They say that in every dark cloud there's a silver lining. Nothing can be more true. Because of that break up, I decided that I needed to get the hell out of Vegas and come back to California. Because of that I came home within a week of the break up. God is so awesome with his timing.

My all time LOW....

Well, moving back to California was not easy... But I'm glad I did it when I did. Two days after I came home my dad suffered from a major heart attack. He died at 1:15am Sunday Morning January 11, (I came home Friday night, January 9th). The two days I spent with him were amazing. We had some of the most respectful, meaningful and profound talks that we had ever had. I told him my goals for the year and for the near future. He gave me motivation and encouragement, which was a seldom occurrence between us.
I wouldn't have had the chain of events happen any differently if I had to do it over again. I am so grateful that I was there for my mom during that event.

My mom is the most important woman in my life. I always knew that. But this past couple weeks has really made me realize how much she means to me. I've always been a "momma's boy" but now I want to make something of myself to make her proud. That is my sole reason for being at this point.

I guess, at the end of the day, life goes on. It really doesn't matter what happens in your life. The days move on whether you like it or not, in good times and bad. The funny thing is, when you're in the thick of it, in both highs and lows of life, time seems to have no measure. Unfortunately, I've been guilty of taking those times for granted. It's only when they are gone that you can look back and really reflect on what just happened. I wish that we could have some sort of signal; a notice of some sort that lets us know, has us wake up and say, "HEY! Cherish this feeling, this moment, this conversation... because it's never going to happen again, or because this very moment is going to change the course of your life."

NOW.....

I am at peace with everything. I know that I will find love again. And what excites me is that when I do, it will be even better than this time. Which will be amazing to me because I thought that that was a dream come true, when in reality it wasn't.

I am also at peace with my Dad passing. I didn't grieve much, which was weird to me. I think it was for a couple of reasons. One, I had just spent about a week wallowing in my own heartbreak, (it was pitiful. I want to go back in time and slap myself) so I didn't really have anything left in me to mourn. Two, because I immediately assumed the role of "the man of the house" and "had to be strong". So I may have buried it away, and it may rear its ugly head later on... and I'm content with that. But lastly, I am at peace because I had come to terms with him in our last days together. I don't feel like anything was left unsaid. We had come to each other over those last two days, Man to Man. Before, it was always, from my perspective: Man to Dad who still wanted to have the authority over the once young son. And I'm sure from his perspective it was: Man to Son who was trying to prove he was a Man and failing miserably. We were finally able to meet on common ground. How refreshing! Thank you God for that gift! Unbelievable!


Brian Stampley



(So there goes the first blog! More to come.... that felt good to get everything out. Trust me... I have a lot more rolling around in this brain of mine.)